Moo7: The Bovine Bond Moovies

• From a Freisian With Love
• Thunderbull
• A Moo for a Thrill
• Udderpussy
• Cowfinger
• You Only Milk Twice
• Diamonds are for Heifers
• Man with the Bovine Pun
  
• Try Another Hay
• For Bovines Only
• Dr Cow
• Hoofraker
• Living Haylights
• Cow-pat Pie
• Live and Let Moo
• The World Is Not An Ox
  
• To Moo Now Isn't Wise
• Cattle Corral
• On Her Milkshakes Seething Surface

All these titles are available from the British Beefcasting Corporation's back catalogue, Tel: +44-1-MOO-4-YOU

Lavish Gizzards

Love story with some real meat, from Director Dan Gale



An Engine Room Production

Report on International Ham Symposium - radio edit.

It is a real honour for us to be here isn't it Mel... Aw yes absolutely mate, a real honour like. It's a rare thing for me to be in the presence of such sophisticated folks such as these... Mel, modest as ever... I should really lay the scene for our listeners at home, wherever they may be. We are in the People's Congress Of Fat Hams Arena on Hamhai's colonial era seafront, in what is an absolutely gigantic ham shaped structure. I have never seen anything like it - perhaps St Peter's in Rome in terms of scale. For all of Hammunism's flaws it did produce some spectaculary hammy architecture, wouldn't you say Mel... oh yes, it sure did, I can think of some excellent examples of it back home in Sydney, even if hammunism didn't reach us, to be sure. Sorry to interrupt you there Mel, but the first of these evening's delegates has arrived - it's Madame de la Rump, looking spectacular in a shimmer effect three-quarter length evening glove with matching satin roulade - stunning. Aww, yeah mate that's great. She looks great. Yes she does Mel, yes she does. Now inside sources tell me that her outfit was designed by none other than Veronica Pancetta herself, who, although still too unwell to attend this evening's... Mate, mate, is that FAT HAMS, oh my God it is him!!! He's with Hamilton Peck, I can't contain my excitement any longer. They are striding out confidently into the centre of the room, they both look incredible.... OH MY GOODNESS, it can't be that's SLEEPY EGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLEEEEEEEPY EEEEEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS RADIO COMMUNICATION HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED BY HAM AUTHORITIES

You're My Meat!

I discovered this song the other day, and it so closely mirrors the writings of Rashers Strathern that I would be interested to know if one inspired the other. Professor Von Brockwurst, can you illuminate us? I believe this is a fitting anthem for the F.Hams community.


You're My Meat (Louis Jordan)

Outside in and inside out you're my meat
Fat and forty but lordy you're my meat
From your feet to your head you knock me dead, you're my meat
I got you covered but baby, you're my meat

In the days of old when knights were bold
They were pious and modest I'm told
Can't you see that couldn't be me
I'd have to talk about your yams and your big fat hams

It excites me so because I know you're my meat
Fat and forty but lordy you're my meat

In the days of old when knights were bold
They were pious and modest I'm told
Can't you see that couldn't be me
I'd have to talk about your yams and your big fat hams
It excites me so because I know you're my meat
Fat and forty but lordy you're my meat

Fat and forty but lordy lordy . . . you're my meat

RE The Paternity of Gwendoline Haggis

Dear Gwendoline,

I can understand your concern. We certainly had a fair number of groupies in the days of Oink Bros., but I would be lying if I said I didn't remember your mum and that lardonous hump in Rump City. She was a real stunner and got more than a grunt from the rest of the band too, which makes it hard to know, I'm afraid, which one of us it may be. I have attached a photo from my days in the band, can you see a resemblance to me? Please post a photo of yourself so we can apply the latest computer assisted face recognition to identify paternity, I will then be able to compare you against the other band members, whose faces, I'm afraid, I have had to obscure because they are still wanted by the government, as they survive as soldiers of fortune in the Los Angeles Underground.

Yours,
Hamilton Peck

Royal Hamthropologcial Institute Spring Lecture Series: Lecture 1

This week: Professor Helga von Brockwurst, Emirate Professor of Hamthropology, University of Spambridge, considers:

THE DISCURSIVE CONSTRUCTION OF HAMS

Most contemporary schools of Hamthropological thought now support the idea that the divide between human and ham is not one that is given in nature, but is a distinction which has been constructed, maintained, and repeatedly deconstructed throughout ham history. Hams are not born, they are made.

In 16th Century England, the predominant view was one of ham ascendancy. Francis Bacon famously wrote: “Ham…may be regarded as the centre of the world…if ham were taken away…the rest would seem without aim or purpose”. This viewpoint resulted in elevating ham to “halfway between the beasts and the angels”.

All this was to change by the mid-1600s, when French philosopher Jambon a Lacarte, writing at a time of hickory-smoked technological and industrial growth in France, argued that the ham body must be understood as an automata. He even went as far as to liken the sizzle of a grilled ham as akin to the striking of a key on a church organ.

The roots of our current, predominantly philhamtrophic, perspectives stem primarily from the sausage theory of Utilitarian Jeremy Bent-Ham, who famously wrote “The question is not: Can they reason? Nor Can they talk? But, Are they hams?” (1789). Indeed, the current tendency to disguise hams through over-processing, along with our widespread denigration of ham-keeping as neurotic or sentimental, are reflective of the persistence and continued influence of Bent-Ham’s theories in modern society, as well as indicative of the inherently paradoxical nature of his theory.

But as evidenced by Boarje’s (1985) study of Tibetan Hamnastry – in which he found that it was morally acceptable to consume hams which had fallen from a cliff – a wealth of culturally and culinary specific approaches to ham persist. The widespread recognition of the human-ham divide as both fluid and contextually specific has also helped draw scholarly attention to the overly straightforward dichotomy of nature / culture, an idea which has been supported by a wealth of ethnographic studies in recent years. For example, in Gender of the Bacon (1980), Professor Rashers Strathern offers a complex analysis of the exchange of hams and yams for wives amongst the people of Mount Hagen Daas in highland Papua New Guinea. According to Strathern, the ideas of dominance and subordination which are applied in Euro-American thought to both nature (animal) and culture (ham) cannot be transposed onto Hagen Daas cultural constructs. Whilst women are culturally equated with both hams and yams (the domestic, subordinate, nature), neither the wild nor the domestic are believed to exist in hierarchical order.


All of which helps draw our attention to the fact that “ham” identity itself is not one with which we are born, but can perhaps be usefully understood through the rubric of Pierre Porcdieu’s notion of “habitus” – denoting a total set of dispositions which shape and constrain ham practices, whilst also allowing for the reality of individual pepperoni.


Next week Prof Ham Van Burger considers the influence of German philosopher Friedrich Schnietzschel on Exschnitzentialist thought.

Ham Abuse

Veronica Pancetta talks to Hello Magazine

Hi my name is Gwendoline Haggis, and I just thought I should put a note up here on Fat Hams because I was reading Hello Magazine in the local beauty salon when I saw a long article on Veronica Pancetta. I came here first because I know that she is a correspondent for Fat Hams, and I heard all about the accident because of Mr. Hamilton's report, but there was nothing about Veronica's condition on Fat Hams, only some kind of prayer from her brother Lardimus. Still, I wasn't sure whether it was right for me to write about what I read so I spoke to my Mom about it. She said that it was my Duty to report it to Fat Hams.

She would also like me to mention that she used to be in the Feminine League of Young Hamettes when she was in her teenage years and that she was Hamilton Peck's biggest fan, back when he was a singer for the Oink Brothers and that she remembers the night they spent together after his concert in Rump City. She tried writing to Mr Peck, but didn't never respond, even though he promised he would. So she went ahead and married Tom Haggis but he was a no-good hard-drinking son of the dustbowl.

Here are the best bits of the article, thankyou:

"Veronica Pancetta has made a miraculous recovery although she still appears glazed. She received Lady Ossobuco (of Hello Magazine) in her 15 pantry mansion in the Hamptons."

"She would like to thank all her fans and admirers for all their messages of support and encouragement."

"Her dog had to be put down."

Thankyou, goodbye. Hamilton Peck, my mum loves you and she says you are my real dad -is this true?

Gwendoline Haggis

Mad dog in catwalk mauling.

Hamilton Peck reporting for F.HaMs from County Hospital, Los Angeles.

Fat Hams received the shocking news today that Veronica Pancetta - American Vogue and regular fashion columnist here at F.HaMs - was seriously mauled by her own dog. The incident occurred during Veronica's visit to California, at Venison Beach's much anticipated Spring Revelation. Julio Prosciutto, Spring Revelation's mastermind, was devastated.

JP: "I just don't now what happened... what is this? I blame global warming and the Republicans... this unseasonal weather... it was just too hot out there..."

The chunky local Venison Beach sheriff, Virginia Ham, takes over as Julio collapses.

VH: "I happened to be observing the show because good ham-fashion is hard to come by especially for a women of my stature. Well, we reckon this unfortunate incident arose from the dog smelling Ms. Pancetta's delicate skin taking a roasting in our hot California sun. You should see her now, she looks like a raisin. That little dog of hers got a whiff of her and it just went outright deranged. I think she saw it in that mutt's eyes, because to all accounts she ran the full length of the catwalk with that crazed mongrel in pursuit. Now I say mongrel because, though it might look like one of the pedigree handbag pooch's, I have my suspicions.

"Now I saw this mauling kicking off and I dived in to help, being an oftentimes reader of Ms. Pancetta's columns, and I remembered me a Pepperami I had in my pocket. Now I waved that sausage in that mongrels face and I guess it ended up saving Ms. Panacetta, because though the dog was small Ms. Pancetta is a waif of lady. Now how did I know that dog was a mongrel? Believe you me, it aint no pedigree pooch who's gonna go munching on Pepperami over Ms. Pancetta, so that's how I knows its a mongrel."
___

We're still waiting for more news from the hospital as to Veronica's current condition, but the good news is that she is stable and all damage was restricted to the ankle and below, due to the diminutive stature of her attacker. We have spoken to the family and they assure us that visitors are welcome. Veronica's physician has told us that due to the nature of the wounds the normal no-smoking rule of the hospital has been waived because they believe that smoking will help in the curing process. Veronica will be returning to her home in the Hamptons as soon she is well enough to be moved.

Visiting hours 9am-11am and 2.30pm-5.30pm, max 3 visitors, or 2 if extraordinarily large hams. Ward C: Burns, Minor Over-cooking and Bites

Ham Philosophy

Ham Philosophy is as old as time - I would be happy to send you some reading lists.

International Ham Symposium - Basel, 29 January 2007

Fat Ham for the future - the new ham century

Speakers:

Mme. De La Rump

Mr Sausage A. Roll

and

Special Guest Speaker

Sleepy Egg

Morning Session

Mme. De La Rump will chair the first session on green ham
and reducing your organisation's ham footprint.

Lunch Break

Celebrity Chef Honky Trotters will be serving a selection of
futuristic canapes, followed by ham and eggs.

Afternoon Session

Mr. Sausage A. Roll will be talking about his experiences working
as an embedded journalist, in theatre with the 3rd Pastry Batallion,
during the early months of the war on ham.

Evening Session (Open session/Q&A)

By popular demand, after a short summary of some of the main themes covered during the symposium, Sleepy Egg will answer all your questions on the new eggy philosophy and read extracts from her new book, the impossibly brilliant - "Sleep, Eggs and my understanding of Ham"

To book your tickets please call 0800 328 426 and quote ref: FATTER HAMS.

Remember, only limited places are available... so call now to avoid disappointment.

meat

Ham Science

Ham science is at the cutting edge of human discovery - as I type friendly ham scientists are slavering over some of the eternal questions in their refrigerated laboratories.

Most distinguished among them is Dr Tom Furry-Chops CBE. Fat Hams met him deep in the bowels of the Porkonia research institute, Harrow Road, to hear about his most recent thigh splitting discoveries. Below is a transcript of the interview - Fat Hams is delighted to reproduce it in full, in the interests of scientific objectivity and accuracy....

Fat Ham: Mr Furry-Chops, it is a real honour and pleasure to meet you in person, may I take this opportunity to thank you for finding the time in your busy schedule to meet me, and may I also compliment you on your fine ham-like demeanour.

Dr Furry-Chops: I didn't spend five years researching the elastic properties of the Abyssinian warthog's colon for some sallow faced journalist like yourself to call me Mr - I am a doctor... so please, from now on, call me Doctor Chops, or don't speak to me at all....

FH: I am so sorry Dr Chops, a slip of the tongue - please forgive me.

FC: All is forgiven! I was only joking! You can call me Tom if you like... Now, let's crack on with the interview. As you know, for the past seventeen years my life has been entirely consumed by Ham. I am the premier, world expert on the subject. Both within the scientific community and without. Without, I hear you ask? Yes, without. Ham's mystical properties have long fascinated and perplexed the human mind - applying scientific rigour to the undersanding these is vital, and commendable, but one's approach should not be too narrow - an alternative vision of ham came to me when I was researching my doctoral thesis, already touched upon in jest, in the Abyssinian Outback.

FH: the outback?

FC: Yes the outback - now if you'll excuse me for a moment. Fzzz Bsssz. Now in this pressurised container are the remnants of the oldest ham in the known world. I am going to have to ask you to put on that mask I gave you at the start of the interview, and also, if you wouldn't mind taking a step backwards... yes just there behind that pipette rack, thanks, now, if I just... uhmm gnh.. here it comes... there, isn't it beautiful.

FH: wow, and so we are all descended from this?

FC: Quite so! You can see from the dimensions of this specimen, proto-ham was considerably smaller than modern day hams such as you and I.

Ham Wardrobe

One's ham should be displayed. Ham is there to be shown, to be worn over one's normally modest frame as one would wear a fur coat. Ham is a sign of distinction. Having discussed the matter with American Vogue's culinary coutourier Veronica Pancetta, it would seem that a code for dressing ham is emerging - a new fashion. Trousers should be tight, especially around the thigh. Avoid skinny jeans, as ham abjures all things excessively youthful in appearance - corduroy is perfect. Also T-shirts are undoubtedly an excellent vehicle for ham - as Veronica explains 'the T-shirt, once the symbol of youthful, macho American culture, of the post WWII baby boomers, has become acceptable attire for ham - it's a transition that fills me with awe and pride; what a beautiful society we live in. Just make sure you don't wear your T-Shirt in the oven!!!'

Other ham attire will be posted in subsequent blogs...

Technical

It is all way too technical.....