Ham science is at the cutting edge of human discovery - as I type friendly ham scientists are slavering over some of the eternal questions in their refrigerated laboratories.
Most distinguished among them is Dr Tom Furry-Chops CBE. Fat Hams met him deep in the bowels of the Porkonia research institute, Harrow Road, to hear about his most recent thigh splitting discoveries. Below is a transcript of the interview - Fat Hams is delighted to reproduce it in full, in the interests of scientific objectivity and accuracy....
Fat Ham: Mr Furry-Chops, it is a real honour and pleasure to meet you in person, may I take this opportunity to thank you for finding the time in your busy schedule to meet me, and may I also compliment you on your fine ham-like demeanour.
Dr Furry-Chops: I didn't spend five years researching the elastic properties of the Abyssinian warthog's colon for some sallow faced journalist like yourself to call me Mr - I am a doctor... so please, from now on, call me Doctor Chops, or don't speak to me at all....
FH: I am so sorry Dr Chops, a slip of the tongue - please forgive me.
FC: All is forgiven! I was only joking! You can call me Tom if you like... Now, let's crack on with the interview. As you know, for the past seventeen years my life has been entirely consumed by Ham. I am the premier, world expert on the subject. Both within the scientific community and without. Without, I hear you ask? Yes, without. Ham's mystical properties have long fascinated and perplexed the human mind - applying scientific rigour to the undersanding these is vital, and commendable, but one's approach should not be too narrow - an alternative vision of ham came to me when I was researching my doctoral thesis, already touched upon in jest, in the Abyssinian Outback.
FH: the outback?
FC: Yes the outback - now if you'll excuse me for a moment. Fzzz Bsssz. Now in this pressurised container are the remnants of the oldest ham in the known world. I am going to have to ask you to put on that mask I gave you at the start of the interview, and also, if you wouldn't mind taking a step backwards... yes just there behind that pipette rack, thanks, now, if I just... uhmm gnh.. here it comes... there, isn't it beautiful.
Most distinguished among them is Dr Tom Furry-Chops CBE. Fat Hams met him deep in the bowels of the Porkonia research institute, Harrow Road, to hear about his most recent thigh splitting discoveries. Below is a transcript of the interview - Fat Hams is delighted to reproduce it in full, in the interests of scientific objectivity and accuracy....
Fat Ham: Mr Furry-Chops, it is a real honour and pleasure to meet you in person, may I take this opportunity to thank you for finding the time in your busy schedule to meet me, and may I also compliment you on your fine ham-like demeanour.
Dr Furry-Chops: I didn't spend five years researching the elastic properties of the Abyssinian warthog's colon for some sallow faced journalist like yourself to call me Mr - I am a doctor... so please, from now on, call me Doctor Chops, or don't speak to me at all....
FH: I am so sorry Dr Chops, a slip of the tongue - please forgive me.
FC: All is forgiven! I was only joking! You can call me Tom if you like... Now, let's crack on with the interview. As you know, for the past seventeen years my life has been entirely consumed by Ham. I am the premier, world expert on the subject. Both within the scientific community and without. Without, I hear you ask? Yes, without. Ham's mystical properties have long fascinated and perplexed the human mind - applying scientific rigour to the undersanding these is vital, and commendable, but one's approach should not be too narrow - an alternative vision of ham came to me when I was researching my doctoral thesis, already touched upon in jest, in the Abyssinian Outback.
FH: the outback?
FC: Yes the outback - now if you'll excuse me for a moment. Fzzz Bsssz. Now in this pressurised container are the remnants of the oldest ham in the known world. I am going to have to ask you to put on that mask I gave you at the start of the interview, and also, if you wouldn't mind taking a step backwards... yes just there behind that pipette rack, thanks, now, if I just... uhmm gnh.. here it comes... there, isn't it beautiful.
FH: wow, and so we are all descended from this?
FC: Quite so! You can see from the dimensions of this specimen, proto-ham was considerably smaller than modern day hams such as you and I.
5 comments:
Yes, says Dr. F-C, I agree with this so far, and would like to add the following comment.
Soon genetic manipulation will allow herds (or should that be droves) of mutant porcine creatures to break free from being simply food sources for humans and thus find a new evolutionary niche. This will probably involve them all orchestrating daring mass escapes from traditional breeding centres (i.e. farms) and then charging wildly down the street in a crazed feral styleeeee....
(Definitely one for Herr Nicko von Clickhausen's wildlife film shoots).
But I am getting ahead of myself! Herr von Clickhausen is an esteemed wildlife filmer, some of his filmees include the lesser-spotted spotted leopard and the three-toed wild boar, which interestingly enough can cross-bree to produce offspring known as "lesser-toed boapard".
Anyway, more details on Herr Nicko von Clickhausen (a.k.a. Nicko Clicko) in an exciting exclusive interview to be posted on this blog soon!!!
Hasta pronto,
Dr F-C.
I am delighted to see that the worldwide ham community finally has a voice. Fat Ham, i salute you. Not sure about the scientific credentials of Dr. F-C though, to my hammy ears, he sounds like a scaremongering imposter. Might i suggest the establishment of a Ham school of thought? I've always felt the philosophy of ham to be something quite distinctive. Fat Ham would you care to elaborate? In fact, i have a question for you now. As a hamette i am not yet totally au fait whith the mores and manners of hamdom. What does it mean for me in the long term? Will i be accepted with the dry cured? Are their any honey roast still among us? What if i'm ashamed of my love hamdles? Who can i turn to, what does this mean? Have we been chosen?
'Profound and important'- The Hamday Times
Thought you'd like me to post this Fat Hams, you deserve it.
S. Roll
Hamtastique! Finalement, je peux m'exprimer avec des ammes comme moi. Fat Hams, vouz etez vraimant un rosbif extraordinare!
Mme. De la Rump
Hammy? Is that really you?
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