RE The Paternity of Gwendoline Haggis

Dear Gwendoline,

I can understand your concern. We certainly had a fair number of groupies in the days of Oink Bros., but I would be lying if I said I didn't remember your mum and that lardonous hump in Rump City. She was a real stunner and got more than a grunt from the rest of the band too, which makes it hard to know, I'm afraid, which one of us it may be. I have attached a photo from my days in the band, can you see a resemblance to me? Please post a photo of yourself so we can apply the latest computer assisted face recognition to identify paternity, I will then be able to compare you against the other band members, whose faces, I'm afraid, I have had to obscure because they are still wanted by the government, as they survive as soldiers of fortune in the Los Angeles Underground.

Yours,
Hamilton Peck

Veronica Pancetta talks to Hello Magazine

Hi my name is Gwendoline Haggis, and I just thought I should put a note up here on Fat Hams because I was reading Hello Magazine in the local beauty salon when I saw a long article on Veronica Pancetta. I came here first because I know that she is a correspondent for Fat Hams, and I heard all about the accident because of Mr. Hamilton's report, but there was nothing about Veronica's condition on Fat Hams, only some kind of prayer from her brother Lardimus. Still, I wasn't sure whether it was right for me to write about what I read so I spoke to my Mom about it. She said that it was my Duty to report it to Fat Hams.

She would also like me to mention that she used to be in the Feminine League of Young Hamettes when she was in her teenage years and that she was Hamilton Peck's biggest fan, back when he was a singer for the Oink Brothers and that she remembers the night they spent together after his concert in Rump City. She tried writing to Mr Peck, but didn't never respond, even though he promised he would. So she went ahead and married Tom Haggis but he was a no-good hard-drinking son of the dustbowl.

Here are the best bits of the article, thankyou:

"Veronica Pancetta has made a miraculous recovery although she still appears glazed. She received Lady Ossobuco (of Hello Magazine) in her 15 pantry mansion in the Hamptons."

"She would like to thank all her fans and admirers for all their messages of support and encouragement."

"Her dog had to be put down."

Thankyou, goodbye. Hamilton Peck, my mum loves you and she says you are my real dad -is this true?

Gwendoline Haggis