You're My Meat!

I discovered this song the other day, and it so closely mirrors the writings of Rashers Strathern that I would be interested to know if one inspired the other. Professor Von Brockwurst, can you illuminate us? I believe this is a fitting anthem for the F.Hams community.


You're My Meat (Louis Jordan)

Outside in and inside out you're my meat
Fat and forty but lordy you're my meat
From your feet to your head you knock me dead, you're my meat
I got you covered but baby, you're my meat

In the days of old when knights were bold
They were pious and modest I'm told
Can't you see that couldn't be me
I'd have to talk about your yams and your big fat hams

It excites me so because I know you're my meat
Fat and forty but lordy you're my meat

In the days of old when knights were bold
They were pious and modest I'm told
Can't you see that couldn't be me
I'd have to talk about your yams and your big fat hams
It excites me so because I know you're my meat
Fat and forty but lordy you're my meat

Fat and forty but lordy lordy . . . you're my meat

Ham Abuse

Mad dog in catwalk mauling.

Hamilton Peck reporting for F.HaMs from County Hospital, Los Angeles.

Fat Hams received the shocking news today that Veronica Pancetta - American Vogue and regular fashion columnist here at F.HaMs - was seriously mauled by her own dog. The incident occurred during Veronica's visit to California, at Venison Beach's much anticipated Spring Revelation. Julio Prosciutto, Spring Revelation's mastermind, was devastated.

JP: "I just don't now what happened... what is this? I blame global warming and the Republicans... this unseasonal weather... it was just too hot out there..."

The chunky local Venison Beach sheriff, Virginia Ham, takes over as Julio collapses.

VH: "I happened to be observing the show because good ham-fashion is hard to come by especially for a women of my stature. Well, we reckon this unfortunate incident arose from the dog smelling Ms. Pancetta's delicate skin taking a roasting in our hot California sun. You should see her now, she looks like a raisin. That little dog of hers got a whiff of her and it just went outright deranged. I think she saw it in that mutt's eyes, because to all accounts she ran the full length of the catwalk with that crazed mongrel in pursuit. Now I say mongrel because, though it might look like one of the pedigree handbag pooch's, I have my suspicions.

"Now I saw this mauling kicking off and I dived in to help, being an oftentimes reader of Ms. Pancetta's columns, and I remembered me a Pepperami I had in my pocket. Now I waved that sausage in that mongrels face and I guess it ended up saving Ms. Panacetta, because though the dog was small Ms. Pancetta is a waif of lady. Now how did I know that dog was a mongrel? Believe you me, it aint no pedigree pooch who's gonna go munching on Pepperami over Ms. Pancetta, so that's how I knows its a mongrel."
___

We're still waiting for more news from the hospital as to Veronica's current condition, but the good news is that she is stable and all damage was restricted to the ankle and below, due to the diminutive stature of her attacker. We have spoken to the family and they assure us that visitors are welcome. Veronica's physician has told us that due to the nature of the wounds the normal no-smoking rule of the hospital has been waived because they believe that smoking will help in the curing process. Veronica will be returning to her home in the Hamptons as soon she is well enough to be moved.

Visiting hours 9am-11am and 2.30pm-5.30pm, max 3 visitors, or 2 if extraordinarily large hams. Ward C: Burns, Minor Over-cooking and Bites

Ham Science

Ham science is at the cutting edge of human discovery - as I type friendly ham scientists are slavering over some of the eternal questions in their refrigerated laboratories.

Most distinguished among them is Dr Tom Furry-Chops CBE. Fat Hams met him deep in the bowels of the Porkonia research institute, Harrow Road, to hear about his most recent thigh splitting discoveries. Below is a transcript of the interview - Fat Hams is delighted to reproduce it in full, in the interests of scientific objectivity and accuracy....

Fat Ham: Mr Furry-Chops, it is a real honour and pleasure to meet you in person, may I take this opportunity to thank you for finding the time in your busy schedule to meet me, and may I also compliment you on your fine ham-like demeanour.

Dr Furry-Chops: I didn't spend five years researching the elastic properties of the Abyssinian warthog's colon for some sallow faced journalist like yourself to call me Mr - I am a doctor... so please, from now on, call me Doctor Chops, or don't speak to me at all....

FH: I am so sorry Dr Chops, a slip of the tongue - please forgive me.

FC: All is forgiven! I was only joking! You can call me Tom if you like... Now, let's crack on with the interview. As you know, for the past seventeen years my life has been entirely consumed by Ham. I am the premier, world expert on the subject. Both within the scientific community and without. Without, I hear you ask? Yes, without. Ham's mystical properties have long fascinated and perplexed the human mind - applying scientific rigour to the undersanding these is vital, and commendable, but one's approach should not be too narrow - an alternative vision of ham came to me when I was researching my doctoral thesis, already touched upon in jest, in the Abyssinian Outback.

FH: the outback?

FC: Yes the outback - now if you'll excuse me for a moment. Fzzz Bsssz. Now in this pressurised container are the remnants of the oldest ham in the known world. I am going to have to ask you to put on that mask I gave you at the start of the interview, and also, if you wouldn't mind taking a step backwards... yes just there behind that pipette rack, thanks, now, if I just... uhmm gnh.. here it comes... there, isn't it beautiful.

FH: wow, and so we are all descended from this?

FC: Quite so! You can see from the dimensions of this specimen, proto-ham was considerably smaller than modern day hams such as you and I.

Ham Wardrobe

One's ham should be displayed. Ham is there to be shown, to be worn over one's normally modest frame as one would wear a fur coat. Ham is a sign of distinction. Having discussed the matter with American Vogue's culinary coutourier Veronica Pancetta, it would seem that a code for dressing ham is emerging - a new fashion. Trousers should be tight, especially around the thigh. Avoid skinny jeans, as ham abjures all things excessively youthful in appearance - corduroy is perfect. Also T-shirts are undoubtedly an excellent vehicle for ham - as Veronica explains 'the T-shirt, once the symbol of youthful, macho American culture, of the post WWII baby boomers, has become acceptable attire for ham - it's a transition that fills me with awe and pride; what a beautiful society we live in. Just make sure you don't wear your T-Shirt in the oven!!!'

Other ham attire will be posted in subsequent blogs...