Veronica Pancetta talks to Hello Magazine

Hi my name is Gwendoline Haggis, and I just thought I should put a note up here on Fat Hams because I was reading Hello Magazine in the local beauty salon when I saw a long article on Veronica Pancetta. I came here first because I know that she is a correspondent for Fat Hams, and I heard all about the accident because of Mr. Hamilton's report, but there was nothing about Veronica's condition on Fat Hams, only some kind of prayer from her brother Lardimus. Still, I wasn't sure whether it was right for me to write about what I read so I spoke to my Mom about it. She said that it was my Duty to report it to Fat Hams.

She would also like me to mention that she used to be in the Feminine League of Young Hamettes when she was in her teenage years and that she was Hamilton Peck's biggest fan, back when he was a singer for the Oink Brothers and that she remembers the night they spent together after his concert in Rump City. She tried writing to Mr Peck, but didn't never respond, even though he promised he would. So she went ahead and married Tom Haggis but he was a no-good hard-drinking son of the dustbowl.

Here are the best bits of the article, thankyou:

"Veronica Pancetta has made a miraculous recovery although she still appears glazed. She received Lady Ossobuco (of Hello Magazine) in her 15 pantry mansion in the Hamptons."

"She would like to thank all her fans and admirers for all their messages of support and encouragement."

"Her dog had to be put down."

Thankyou, goodbye. Hamilton Peck, my mum loves you and she says you are my real dad -is this true?

Gwendoline Haggis

Mad dog in catwalk mauling.

Hamilton Peck reporting for F.HaMs from County Hospital, Los Angeles.

Fat Hams received the shocking news today that Veronica Pancetta - American Vogue and regular fashion columnist here at F.HaMs - was seriously mauled by her own dog. The incident occurred during Veronica's visit to California, at Venison Beach's much anticipated Spring Revelation. Julio Prosciutto, Spring Revelation's mastermind, was devastated.

JP: "I just don't now what happened... what is this? I blame global warming and the Republicans... this unseasonal weather... it was just too hot out there..."

The chunky local Venison Beach sheriff, Virginia Ham, takes over as Julio collapses.

VH: "I happened to be observing the show because good ham-fashion is hard to come by especially for a women of my stature. Well, we reckon this unfortunate incident arose from the dog smelling Ms. Pancetta's delicate skin taking a roasting in our hot California sun. You should see her now, she looks like a raisin. That little dog of hers got a whiff of her and it just went outright deranged. I think she saw it in that mutt's eyes, because to all accounts she ran the full length of the catwalk with that crazed mongrel in pursuit. Now I say mongrel because, though it might look like one of the pedigree handbag pooch's, I have my suspicions.

"Now I saw this mauling kicking off and I dived in to help, being an oftentimes reader of Ms. Pancetta's columns, and I remembered me a Pepperami I had in my pocket. Now I waved that sausage in that mongrels face and I guess it ended up saving Ms. Panacetta, because though the dog was small Ms. Pancetta is a waif of lady. Now how did I know that dog was a mongrel? Believe you me, it aint no pedigree pooch who's gonna go munching on Pepperami over Ms. Pancetta, so that's how I knows its a mongrel."
___

We're still waiting for more news from the hospital as to Veronica's current condition, but the good news is that she is stable and all damage was restricted to the ankle and below, due to the diminutive stature of her attacker. We have spoken to the family and they assure us that visitors are welcome. Veronica's physician has told us that due to the nature of the wounds the normal no-smoking rule of the hospital has been waived because they believe that smoking will help in the curing process. Veronica will be returning to her home in the Hamptons as soon she is well enough to be moved.

Visiting hours 9am-11am and 2.30pm-5.30pm, max 3 visitors, or 2 if extraordinarily large hams. Ward C: Burns, Minor Over-cooking and Bites

Ham Wardrobe

One's ham should be displayed. Ham is there to be shown, to be worn over one's normally modest frame as one would wear a fur coat. Ham is a sign of distinction. Having discussed the matter with American Vogue's culinary coutourier Veronica Pancetta, it would seem that a code for dressing ham is emerging - a new fashion. Trousers should be tight, especially around the thigh. Avoid skinny jeans, as ham abjures all things excessively youthful in appearance - corduroy is perfect. Also T-shirts are undoubtedly an excellent vehicle for ham - as Veronica explains 'the T-shirt, once the symbol of youthful, macho American culture, of the post WWII baby boomers, has become acceptable attire for ham - it's a transition that fills me with awe and pride; what a beautiful society we live in. Just make sure you don't wear your T-Shirt in the oven!!!'

Other ham attire will be posted in subsequent blogs...